Washington, D.C. — In one of the most spectacular trade blunders in recorded history, it was leaked today that U.S. President Donald Trump signed off on softwood lumber tariffs because he believed that it was related to erectile dysfunction.
According to sources close to the president, Trump approved the much-reviled tariff thinking it was reducing competition from foreign erectile dysfunction medication. Reportedly, the president shared afterwards that even though he “didn’t follow most of the conversation on the topic,” anything promoting more “foreign soft wood pills” in the United States is a “no-go.”
In the exclusive interview, the confidential source revealed that no one knows how Trump made the leap from softwood lumber to “soft wood medication,” but the blunder was so colossal that no one had the courage to correct him.
“The entire conversation was muddled to be honest,” confided the source. “We couldn’t get the president’s total attention during the debrief; he kept being distracted by the TV in his office showing FOX News. FOX News has a lot of Viagra commercials… that’s all we can think of. Frankly, no one knows for sure.
“At one point, he was talking about ‘hardcore plumbers’ that he ‘saw in a movie once,’ but no one knew what that meant either. The whole thing was embarrassing and demoralizing. By the end of the meeting, we were like, ‘Yeah, whatever you want sir, no Canadian Viagra… gotcha.'”
In this morning’s Trump tweet storm, the president vowed that the United States will put American boner pills first. He also emphasized that despite his protectionist policies, he has “no problems there,” in case anybody was wondering.