Moncton — RCMP are thanking Todd Johnson today for his assistance in apprehending a suspected shoplifter who temporarily evaded police. Sources say Johnson, a 36-year-old accountant and good little boy, ratted out the helpless suspect who had been hiding behind a dumpster, cradling himself in the cold.
At a Moncton area Walmart, the suspect was reportedly caught on security camera shovelling multiple candy bars into his sad, torn-up, second-hand skidoo jacket; however, the suspect — described as old, decrepit, and probably not the recipient of a tender embrace from a loved one in decades if ever — miraculously hobbled his way out of the store before Walmart security could intervene.
Once Walmart security assumed the sad sack of human flesh had staggered his way off property, RCMP were called in and quickly began canvassing the area.
“We had been searching for this individual for over 30 minutes and at that point we were about to put an end to it,” said Const. LeBlanc of the Moncton RCMP. “However, a helpful, prissy little tattle-tale went out of his way to alert us to a sad old homeless man behind a dumpster in an A&W parking lot.”
“I was going through the drive-thru at A&W and I noticed cop cars all over the place,” said Johnson, squealer and probably teacher’s pet in elementary school, “and I saw a raggedy old man behind a dumpster eating something — a luxury I thought well beyond his means. I knew something was amiss, so I flagged down the police and by the grace of God they were able to apprehend him before he could steal more cigarette butts off the parking lot.”
“It was like an act of bravery or somethin’,” said Tiffany Taylor, amid generous bites of onion rings. “The way that loose-lipped nancy flew out of his SUV in the cold with only like a turtleneck sweater on to let the cops know there’s a skinny old man that might be doin’ somethin’. We need more people like, ya know, just like doin’ more things and sayin’ stuff.”
As of press time, the suspect has been transferred to hospital for malnourishment and is awaiting trial. Walmart is thanking Johnston on Twitter for saving the multibillion-dollar corporation eight dollars and 48 cents.