Fredericton — The mornings are growing colder, the fantasy football leagues are being drafted, and the beer fridges are being stocked for the upcoming hockey season. Summer is drawing to a close in New Brunswick, and election season is upon us.
While some naive residents are excited for potential change, most just hate the ridiculous abundance of vain portraits displayed on every street corner. These pictures are seemingly inescapable, and while many do cast their vote based purely on whose face they’re least sick of seeing by the end of the season, others view this time of year as a somewhat unique opportunity.
“It happens every election like clockwork,” Liberal campaign spokesperson Maurice LesNoodles told The Manatee. “Kids vandalize the election signs with Sharpies or spraypaint; they black out teeth, draw on eye patches — you name it. And every time I’m the one who’s forced to take down the caricatured and replace them with two new ones. It’s a vicious, tiring cycle.”
Here at The Manatee, we in no way condone the defacing and vandalization of government election signs, ESPECIALLY in these 10 fun and creative ways:
- The eye-patch and black tooth combo: Now this may seem like a cliché, especially after Mr. LesNoodles’s complaint, but a cliché is a cliché for a reason. It’s a classic, it’s easy and it’s always funny.
- Sunglasses and a thick, burly moustache: Another classic. A style duplicated by many during Movember but perhaps never done better than Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider, this look can turn any campaign hopeful into a cop lookalike in under 30 seconds.
- The hockey player: This one may take a little longer than the early entries on our list, but it is definitely worth the extra effort. Draw on a nice, detailed hockey helmet and then get creative by adding black eyes, busted lips and missing teeth.
4, 5, 6, 7. KISS: (Note: this one works better in an area with many signs.) These four entries are eternally identifiable and easy to do. The iconic face paint of KISS’s Gene Simmons…and whatever the hell the other three’s names are, are instantly recognizable to most, but especially when done in close proximity to each other. All you need is a bit of black, white and silver paint, along with a quick Google Images search.
- The Homer Simpson: This one works best with a bald or balding candidate. A quick scribble of hair on the crown and above the ears and a shading around the jowl is all it takes to bring this character to life. If you’ve got a few extra minutes and some old yellow paint lying around, you can quickly turn your portrait into a masterpiece.
- The Manatee: Maybe you think you’re too good for the eye patch and tooth blackening. Maybe you don’t know who the band KISS even is. Maybe you dropped out of art school and consider yourself a self-made Michelangelo. Well here’s the challenge for you. It will take a delicate touch and a masterful hand, but with enough talent, patience and paint, you can turn any sign into the aquatic bovine animal for which our publication is named.
- The Trudeau: We should warn you about this one. Of all the suggestions, this is by far the most dangerous. Like the Homer Simpson, it is best suited for a bald candidate, but a true artist could make it happen on any sign. All that is required is a black Sharpie and some time to replicate Prime Minister Trudeau’s iconic and dainty locks of hair. The reason we warn of this graffiti’s danger is that Mr. Trudeau’s pretty-boy locks are, aside from his last name, the main reason he won the federal election. With great power comes great responsibility, and if these fancy locks are doodled onto the wrong candidate’s sign then the election could be swayed in the wrong direction.