The effect of the wildfires burning in western Canada could be felt on the East Coast as well this past weekend, as the travelling smoke lead to hazy skies and a reddish, iridescent sun across the maritime provinces.
Not everyone got the memo as to the true cause of the discolouration, however. Early Monday morning, after the sun had returned to its usual yellow, a batch of more than 50 potatoes were found cut up and spread out along the grounds of a small farm, clear evidence of ritualistic religious sacrifice just outside of Charlottetown.
Shortly after the spud slaughter was discovered, the act of terror was claimed by a small group calling themselves the “Starchists,” a band of religious weirdos whose beliefs are somewhat obscure, but their methods grave and their devotion undeniable.
“We took the red sun a sign from God,” said group founder and high priest Dylan Majors, bright-eyed and clearly intoxicated. “The sacrifice was to be made that night.”
After the red sun had finally set, a small group of the cultists tiptoed their way onto the farmland owned by Paul and Maw Keen, an elderly couple who maintain a small crop of potatoes each year, and subsequently did the foul deed.
The next morning, the Keens awoke to have their usual light breakfast and coffee before stepping out onto their porch to discover the atrocity that had transpired in their back yard.
“It was awful,” said Maw, sobbing into her handkerchief. “They…they gouged their eyes out! They peeled their skin! It was a horrible, horrible sight!”
The decimated potatoes were carefully placed on the lawn in the unmistakable shape of…the McCain Foods logo.
This action led many in P.E.I. to conclude that the act was either done at the behest of, or at least funded in part by, the multinational corporation based just one province over.
McCain Foods CEO Edward McCain agreed to speak with The Manatee Monday afternoon to clear up these “ludicrous” rumours.
“Nobody in the McCain group has any affiliation with kooky religious cults,” scoffed McCain. “If they did, I’d know about it — and I don’t know about it.”
Then why does that hat say “Grand Dragon of The Starchists Cult?”
“It doesn’t,” he said, quickly removing his hat and shoving it into his desk drawer. “It says ‘I’d better not see this in print or you’ll get your fucking legs broke.’ Now get the fuck outta here!”
He tossed a pencil sharpener, which shattered on the door as the reporter made his swift exit.