Fredericton — It’s getting dangerously close to Christmas for teenagers in new relationships. High school boys in particular are feeling the pressure to get the perfect gift for that girl they started going out with roughly eight days ago.
Shoppers Drug Mart and Walmart are seemingly the only ones benefiting from this awkward dynamic, as they get to unload their mountains of weird-ass gift packs containing smelly body lotions, perfumes, bubble baths, creams, body sprays, and other crap that no female wishes to receive at any point in her life.
“I only met Kaylee last week and we just made it official yesterday, but it’s almost Christmas so I gotta get her something,” said Leo Hayes student Brody MacIntyre, 15, standing at Shoppers during lunch hour. “Do you think she’ll like this perfume that smells like dead flowers, or this glitter body lotion that smells kinda sweet like alcohol? Screw it, I’ll get both.
“Geez…they’re seventeen bucks?!” he cried, noticing the price tag. “Oh well, maybe we’ll break up before then and I can return them for the cash.”
“It’s either this, a heart-shaped necklace from Walmart, a teddy bear, or a bouquet of carnations,” deliberated Kenton Matthews, 16, a student at FHS. “I got her the teddy bear already for our one-week anniversary so I think the next step is the body wash and bubble bath with pictures of roses on it.
“I saved up a little extra from my paper route and my allowance so this shouldn’t cut into my Xbox fund too bad.”
Matthews’s new girlfriend, Jennifer Allen, said she’ll be happy with whatever she gets for Christmas, as long as it’s not one of those gift packs, because she already received one last year from her old boyfriend.
“They stink, and the lotion goes on all greasy,” she said. “I would, however, be okay with the Hawaiian Ginger body mist from Calgon. That’s like…timeless and classy, though. Should I just ask for it?”
More mature women are commiserating with their younger counterparts.
“God, I got a lot of those shitty boxed perfumy things in my day,” said Sara Iverson, 32. “I remember in Grade 10 I started dating a guy who gave me one, then by Valentine’s Day I got the exact same one from my next boyfriend. Obviously I never even opened them — they might still be in the basement collecting dust. I guess my son can gift it to his first girlfriend when the time comes.”
Iverson recommends that recipients of these pointless gifts just wait it out.
“Don’t worry — in time you’ll grow up, get married, and your husband will give you a fucking Princess Auto gift card for Christmas or a sweater that’s two sizes too small. It gets better!”