Overzealous Moncton parent hopes to sign AP student up for TB

Overzealous Moncton parent hopes to sign AP student up for TB

Moncton — Frightening new reports out of Moncton’s Bernice MacNaughton High this week have revealed that “a member of the school community” has been diagnosed with TB. This surprising announcement has many left parents both concerned and confused.

“I don’t know why this is the first I’m hearing of this program,” said single mother Belinda O’Donnell. “I’ve spent the past 13 years planning Caleb’s academic trajectory, from his past FI courses, to his current AP classes, to his future spot in the IB program. I want him to have the absolute best education possible.”

O’Donnell met with The Manatee’s reporter at Moxie’s Grill and Bar for an “afternoon drink” (it was 10 a.m.) to discuss her intentions for her son’s education.

“Admittedly, I still haven’t brushed up on the specifics of the TB program,” she said, dismissively waving her whiskey sour. “But whatever it is, I know that my Caleb can handle it.”

Despite efforts to explain that TB is actually an infectious disease, and not an advanced placement program, two hours and six drinks later, it was clear that O’Donnell was no longer interested in discussing her son’s schooling.

“So, mister Manatee reporter…” she said, twirling her earring between her thumb and index finger. “Is there a missus Manatee?”

But what about Caleb’s place in all of this? How does he feel about his mother’s insistence that he apply for all advanced academic opportunities, regardless of whether or not they are real?

“Stop pretending to be my dad!” he cried, shutting his bedroom door in our face. “You don’t really care about me or my mother! All you care about is your stupid article!”

This, of course, isn’t true. Since The Manatee has begun dating Caleb’s mother, it has developed a great deal of affection for both of them. As it turns out, Caleb really is quite bright, and would be perfectly capable of performing well in any advanced placement course — he just needs to work on governing his emotions a little better.

“Sometimes, I wish I really did have TB!” he cried, his voice muffled from under his Rick & Morty comforter. 

Oh, he doesn’t really mean that.

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