New Brunswick — Earlier this month, the Conservative government stated its intentions to hand the province’s cannabis market over to a single private operator, leading dozens of hopeful organizations to put in their bid to secure the contract.
In fact, the announcement generated so much interest that CTV television caught wind of the intense interest and went into action, quickly developing a game show that would weigh the merits of each applicant, and air the results live.
The show, hosted by stoner icon Steve Murphy, vetted 23 organizations before narrowing the options down to three main contestants: Glenn Pierce, a high-level executive looking to break into a hot new business sector, Austin Stewart, a small-time dealer looking to move into the “legit” market, and Becky Larkin, the representative from the provincial wing of the Girl Guides.
“Listen, we’ve got big plans to disrupt the cannabis industry,” said Pierce, in a pre-taped interview segment. “We’re going to retarget our alignment to leverage our value adds and optimize our deliverables through organic growth of our aggregate synergy.”
“Our troop has two years’ experience with private sales, and a combined 63 merit badges,” added Larkin. “I believe these facts more than qualify us for this contract.”
“Dude, this isn’t ‘Classic Albums Live,’” said Stewart, looking around with a disappointed frown.
The contestants were put through a number of challenges testing their persistence, scalability and business acumen. Throughout the hour-long premiere, the competitors were subjected to physical skirmishes, lip-sync battles, and gross-out food challenges.
“How doeth thith prooth anyfing?” asked Pierce, through a mouthful of buffalo testicles.
“Less talk, more testicles,” said Murphy, pointing to his stopwatch.
After 45 gruelling minutes of airtime, it finally came to the point in the show where the contestants were able to vote off the player they felt least deserving of the contract.
“I’m going to have to go with that little lady from the Girl Guides,” said Pierce. “She’s just a girl, what would she know about advertising cannabis to adult women? No — you had better leave that to me…a man.”
“It’s a hard decision, but I’d have to say Austin,” said Larkin. “Sure, he knows his marijuana, although I’m not sure that he knows anything else.”
“Clay Aiken,” said Stewart. “Sure, he can dance, but is he really ‘Project Runway’ material?”
The answer to this, and other questions will be revealed in the next episode of Cannabis Contract, airing this Sunday at 8/7c.
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