New Brunswick — After days of snow, freezing rain and bitter cold, New Brunswick’s Department of Transportation has announced that the portion of highway 101 between Fredericton and Moncton is permanently shut down.
“We have to keep issuing advisories that people shouldn’t be on the roads due to terrible driving conditions, but everyone just ignores us, drives anyway, and gets into accidents,” said Transportation Minister Bill Oliver.
“It doesn’t matter if you drive 50 kilometres per hour the entire way; you shouldn’t be on those roads. So now we’ve shut it down and people will have to take a detour down through Saint John or up past Chipman.”
The new measure is intended to protect people and free up plowing resources for other parts of the province.
“Bottom line is — no one from Fredericton wants to go to Moncton anyway, and vice-versa. Take a plane if it’s that important to you. The less Frederictonians and Monctonians have to see each other, the better. There is no love lost there.”
Oliver claims an added benefit to the closure is that it will take longer for people to drive through the province to get to Quebec, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, or Maine, thus forcing people to spend more time and money in New Brunswick.
“You want your economic drivers? You want your tourist traps? Well here ya go, a billion benefits and no downsides!” exclaimed Oliver.
Surprisingly, some New Brunswickers aren’t pleased about the permanent closure.
“Sure, it’s the worst, most boring stretch of highway in the Maritimes, but it’s still better than taking a four-hour detour through Saint John,” said Fredericton resident Kelly Macintosh.
“I have to make that drive at least once a week for work meetings. No amount of podcasts or audiobooks make it tolerable. The scenery is just clear-cut after clear-cut, the roads are atrocious in the winter, but I sure as hell prefer that over going through Saint John or Chipman to get to Moncton.”
“You think I want to go to Fredericton? The place is full of snobby hipsters,” said Kyle Iverson, a born-and-raised Monctonion.
“But sometimes I have to go to the capital city whether I want to or not, and the two-hour drive gives me time to mentally brace myself for the exhausting Frederictonian ‘young professional’ attitude. And I need that drive on the way back to decompress and get all my bottled-up rage out.”
Police will be watching the closed section of highway to make sure no one drives on it until the Department of Transportation is able to destroy the road to make it un-drivable. The police will be administering breathalyzer tests at random to deter drivers.