If elected, Blaine Higgs pledges to ‘put a cover on every bridge’

If elected, Blaine Higgs pledges to ‘put a cover on every bridge’

Canaan River — With election day just around the corner, candidates are pulling out all the stops to communicate their key positions to the people of New Brunswick, whether that be lower taxes, easier access to health care, or, in the case of the Conservative Party, maintaining the kitschy appeal of covered bridges.

“The Gallant Liberals have stood by and allowed these valued parts of our heritage to be destroyed,” said PC Leader Blaine Higgs. “In 1953, we had 340 covered bridges. Today, there are only 58.”

After receiving some positive feedback on that proclamation, Higgs decided to double down on the policy, making it a top priority in his election platform. As it continued to gain support, the issue became the entire crux of his campaign.

“I am going to put a cover on every bridge in this province,” Higgs told reporters, speaking sternly. “The Reversing Falls Bridge, the Burton Bridge, the Bridge on the River Kwai, the one over troubled water, et cetera, et cetera — you get the picture.”

Although this is clearly an important issue for Higgs and the Tories, it does not seem to be cause for much concern for the incumbent Liberal government.

“Sure, it’s possible that Mr. Higgs would be able to get that done,” Gallant conceded, “but let’s just say I’m not holding my breath.”

He grinned wildly and turned to his deputy premier, Stephen Horsman, who was hunched over his desk beside him.

“Hah? Steve?” Gallant said, nudging him in the shoulder. “Did you hear what I said? Not holding my breath…because that’s what you do under a covered bridge…”

“Yeah, dude, I get it. Shit,” said Horsman, not looking up from his job application.

As many have pointed out, the biggest roadblock for the Conservative “full coverage” policy will likely be the Confederation Bridge connecting New Brunswick to Prince Edward Island. Since the bridge is not entirely within the province’s jurisdiction, he would need P.E.I.’s consent and support to place a large wooden cover over it.

Previously, the province had floated the idea of building one exclusively on their own side, but those plans have yet to come to fruition.

At a recent rally, Higgs indicated that he had a strategy in place to deal with this potential problem, suggesting that if he faced any opposition, he would simply cut off all trade and travel via the bridge until the other province relented.

“We are going to build that cover,” he pronounced, pointing aggressively at the audience, “and we’re gonna get P.E.I. to pay for it!”

The audience broke into rapturous applause. Finally, a candidate fighting for something they actually cared about.

“Build That Cover! Build That Cover! Build That Cover!”

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