Irving announces Christmas tree for toilet paper exchange program

Irving announces Christmas tree for toilet paper exchange program

Saint John — In a joint press conference with NB Power and Premier Blaine Higgs, JD Irving has announced they are launching a new recycling initiative: J.D. Irving will be accepting Christmas tree donations in exchange for toilet paper proudly produced in New Brunswick. The trees will be recycled as biomass fuel for the boilers powering the Irving mills, which are always hungry for fuel as they gobble up New Brunswick forests.

“We expect a huge uptake in this program,” said Jed Irving, from his Bermuda winter retreat, where he and Della Rooked, President of NB Power, joined the announcement by Zoom as they massaged each other’s feet. “We can take the energy created from those Christmas trees and sell it to NB Power for a ridiculously high price, then buy it back at bargain basement prices, increasing our profits by 600 percent.”

Irving was referring to the Government of New Brunswick’s bizarre sweetheart deal in which NB Power purchases power the Irving mills produce, then sells it back to the Irving group of companies at a lower cost.

“This is a great start right out of the gates for the first quarter of the new year,” gushed Irving. “The stupid…errr…good folks of New Brunswick can feel good about this boost to our profits as they struggle with paying their own bills from the Christmas season. This is a fantastic initiative that all New Brunswickers can feel good about.”

Douglas Fairbanks, a member of the New Brunswick Chamber of Commerce, feels that the toilet paper giveaway is a generous gift from the Irvings. “Those rolls can be worth 50 cents or even $1.50 if there is more COVID panic buying,” said Fairbanks. “It’s certainly appreciated by us citizens to get a little something in return for paying higher energy costs in our own homes to offset the cheap energy prices Irving receives from NB Power.”

Irving paper production manager Bill Cloggins, who was also in attendance at the announcement, said that the program is like a gift that keeps giving. He claims there are other environmental and economic benefits beyond the recycled biomass and energy subsidy components.

“The toilet paper we are giving away is what we would refer to as ‘seconds.’ Not used toilet paper, mind you, but rather paper with imperfections such as a roll being short a few dozen sheets or the paper texture being a bit rough,” explained Cloggins. “Sometimes that happens in the manufacturing process. We typically take them to the landfill, but with this program, each Christmas tree delivered will mean one less roll of imperfect toilet paper in the landfill, and of course less landfill costs for us, which in turn means more profit.”

When pointed out that this appears to be a gift that only benefits the Irvings, Mr. Irving became indignant. “Why is it that you reporters have to smear poop over everything that we do? You must have all gone to the Grinch School of Media Studies.”

As of press time, only one tree had been dropped off at the Irving mill in Saint John by city resident Joe Dunfield.

“I actually didn’t mean to drop it off there, but a cross wind from the Reversing Falls bridge blew her off the back of my truck,” said Dunfield. “I was taking it to my buddy’s for a bonfire. Guess I’ll just have to throw this half-sized roll of ass-wipe on the fire instead.”

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