New Brunswick — As COVID-19 infection rates continue to surge to unprecedented levels around the world, New Brunswick is making the decision to change their reporting method to help alleviate stress on the health care sector.
Beginning this Tuesday, the government will stop reporting the number of positive cases, and rather simply report those few names of those who do not have the virus.
“We’re to the point where the vast majority of people do have COVID,” explained an exhausted-looking Dorothy Shephard while meeting with reporters. “Changing over to this method will save a lot of valuable time and resources for our Public Health officials.”
Shephard went on to say that the province will only report the numbers of people who they are “fairly confident” do not have COVID based on vaccination status, potential public exposures, close contacts and whether the person is a giant loser who stays home all of the time.
“Listen, we all know the safest ones are also the lamest one,” Shephard declared. “So, there’s a good chance those losers will be on the list for a very long time.”
That statement led into a surprise declaration from Premier Blaine Higgs, who was joining via video conference.
“That’s exactly the reason that I got it!” he shouted as soon as there was a half-second of silence. “Because I’m so not lame. I’m pretty well the least square person there is, daddy-o.”
The Manatee asked the public for their opinion on this new reporting method.
“It’s all negative, negative, negative. Every time we hear about COVID, it’s always talking about the bad stuff,” articulated Gabrielle Saunders of Bathurst. “Infection rates, hospitalizations, death — I mean, come on already, we get it. It will be nice to see some positivity come from this and we’ll see those new numbers reported and get to cheer those people on for not being infected — good for you guys!”
Darcy Jordan of Fredericton shared a much different opinion.
“Oh, I think this whole entire thing is a hoax anyway!” he expressed, flailing his arms all over the place. “And now it’s all making sense — this was all made up by Higgs and his Irving friends so he could get this made-up virus so he could appear cool so he could win more votes and be re-elected so he can keep making those multiple millions of dollars from being our premier! I knew it all along.”