New Brunswick — People’s Alliance Leader Kris Austin is trying to distinguish his populist party from all others by trademarking his favourite meaningless term: “common sense.”
Upon learning that his supposed supporters have been badmouthing him in the Facebook group United Citizens of New Brunswick, Austin decided to register the trademark as soon as possible.
“All these idiots arguing over bilingualism in Facebook groups and whining about their petitions are throwing around the phrase ‘common sense’ like it’s going out of style — but what they’re forgetting is, I’M the one who coined it! It’s my thing! They don’t even know what it means!”
Austin has an Excel spreadsheet on his home computer for tracking any and every instance of someone using his favourite two-word catchphrase, so he can sue them once it’s trademarked.
“Donations aren’t coming in like they used to, and taking legal action is a great way to make a quick buck,” he told our reporter. “By the way, please refrain from saying ‘common sense’ in your article, unless you want to pay up.”
According to Austin, many politicians have unfairly said the words that are pretty much the only defining thing about the People’s Alliance.
“I heard David Coon steal it. I mean, he didn’t say the words consecutively…I think it was something about ‘common’-law marriage and that basic income makes ‘sense,’ but I’m not stupid — I can put two and two together. That old hippie isn’t fooling anyone.”
Austin claims that, despite the upfront cost of a few hundred dollars to register a trademark in Canada, he’s willing to take that step to make it official.
“If we trademark it, we can make it mean whatever we want,” said Austin. “It’s like Nike with ‘Just Do It’ — it doesn’t mean anything on its own, but they give it credibility with the swoosh and the sports superstars wearing it. Just like I make the term ‘common sense’ super cool and meaningful.
“This also covers any evolution of the phrase,” he continued. “The English language evolves and changes over time and use. This will protect our party in case some French person tries to say their point of view is actually the common-sense perspective. They can’t say that anymore.
“Well I guess they could technically say it in French and I wouldn’t be able to tell — you may not be aware of this but I never could pick up on that language. It’s too tricky, with all the feminine this, masculine that, weird accents everywhere…no thanks!”