Fredericton — Dr. Frederick Nocheck, a New Brunswick sociologist, has created what he believes to be the “ultimate taxonomy of personality traits” called the “Champion Asshat Test.”
In addition to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and Big 5 Personality Test, Dr. Nocheck claims his controversial study of human nature has not only yielded accurate results but has already become a key tool in corporate team-building exercises.
Numerous businesses in the New Brunswick area have implemented the test for their employees.
Former welder Brian Cranwell was recently laid off from his job at the Nackawic mill due to receiving a score of “Washed Up Turd” on the test — an unfavourable result in the mid-range of 1 to “Champion Asshat.”
“It’s just so humiliating, you know,” said Cranwell. “One minute you’re doing everything right, the next they tell you you’re just not pulling the weight for the job in the worst way possible.”
The news wasn’t all sour for stockbroker Michael Hesky, however, who boasted getting the highest rank of “Champion Asshat.”
“The way I see it, the bigger the asshat I am, the more fucking money I make, so who gives a shit?” he asked. “I say we get everyone to take this test and weed out all the dried-up useless shitheads who need a swift kick in the balls, you know what I’m saying?”
Employers have generally been pleased with their organizations’ results.
“We did this test in April as a trial for Dr. Nocheck with about 200 employees,” said an anonymous local manager. “Our results were far beyond incredible. A good percentage of our employees ranked as 1 or ‘Great Fit,’ but as for the others we had 12 ‘Dickholes,’ 4 ‘Borderline Harvey Weinsteins,’ 16 ‘Semi-Asshats’ and 3 ‘Champion Asshats.’ They were all dealt with accordingly.”
This didn’t take into account the management results from various businesses, however, as they had mysteriously disappeared from the records. Dr. Nocheck had committed suicide by hanging shortly after these tests were administered. The managers declined to comment on his recent passing.
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