Fredericton — The person who literally never says anything in a group chat has declared the chat “boring” and “not even worth opening.”
“I muted it because no one ever says anything interesting,” said Tom Fitzpatrick, 32, whose biggest contribution to the Facebook Messenger chat is an occasional “thumbs-up” or “wow” react.
“Why can’t this group ever talk about anything exciting? It’s like, every time I look at it, it’s just pictures of pets or babies, or people going on about things that happened in their personal lives. Is this what it’s come to? Are we this old and lame?”
Fitzpatrick claims he doesn’t have time to read through reams of text from his friends, especially when what they send is so tedious.
“I’m a busy guy,” said the man who sits in an office all week, and plays video games by himself on the weekends. “Maybe if they talked about something exciting I’d feel the need to read everything, but who wants to hear about someone’s father having surgery or about a car accident that involved several people we know? Why would I want to see a cute picture of your cat or hear gossip about your funny co-worker? Boring, boring, boring!”
Another group chat member said that it’s kind of irritating how little Fitzpatrick bothers to add.
“We’re friends in real life — we get together for drinks sometimes,” said Erin Rogers. “But he’s such a dud online. You could say you won the Nobel Prize or that you got a new job or that you just witnessed a Leprechaun falling down a well, and all you’d get out of him is a ‘lol.’ Usually, though, he just leaves you on read.”
Our reporter asked Fitzpatrick why he doesn’t leave the group if he hates it so much.
“Because that’s pretty passive-aggressive,” he said. “It’s better to just not participate, then complain to other people about how dull my friends are. No need to be a dick abut it.”
When pressed, Fitzpatrick couldn’t think of a single example of a topic so interesting it would be worth his attention.
“I don’t know…maybe like…uh…yeah…I don’t really know. Lol.”