Fredericton — Just in time for the holiday season, the Fredericton Police have an offer for impaired drivers: they’ll be given immunity if, at the time they’re pulled over, they wave a $25 NB Liquor gift card in the cop’s face.
Inspired by the Loblaw bread price-fixing scheme, the cops think they’ve come up with a solution that everyone except MADD can be happy about.
“Look, we know you’re going to drive drunk…it’s the holidays. So we’ll let you off with a warning — a stern one, though — if you’re caught drinking and driving, but you offer us $25,” said Chief Leanne Fitch. “Just admit you’re impaired and give us a gift card for NB Liquor, and you can go on your merry way this Christmas. No muss, no fuss.”
Cops say they’re hoping drunk and stoned drivers get on board with the new offer.
“I really want to get that $99.99 ‘bar in a box’ deal NB Liquor has on right now,” said Const. Jerry Morgan. “You bet yer ass I’ll be out patrolling — I only have to pull over four drunks to get it! I think I’ll go for the Bombay gin, the Kraken rum — I’m a huge rum-and-eggnog fan — the Crown Royal, and of course Baileys for a nice Irish coffee on Christmas morning.”
Drunks are happy about the offer as well.
“I bought a few gift cards from ANBL to bribe the police with this Christmas, just to be on the safe side,” said northside man Dave Patterson. “Four, actually; that’s the number of times I know for sure I’m gonna have to drunk-drive home, what with Christmas and New Year’s parties on the south side. A hundred bucks is still a lot cheaper than losing my licence and dealing with a court date and all that junk.”
ANBL has already sold a record number of $25 gift cards.
“They’ve been flying off the shelves faster than Moose Light Lime in the summertime!” said NB Liquor executive Sarah George. “I hope the police consider implementing this kind of ‘get out of jail free’ card for other crimes besides drunk driving. It’s great for business. Why not demand a $50 gift card to get away with robbing someone’s house? Or a $100 card for arson?
“I’m just spit-balling, of course, but I think it could work.”