Fredericton — In the recent federal election, dozens of incumbent MPs were not re-elected. Several of these former members of Parliament reside in the Picture Province, and are now beginning the painful and challenging process of reintegration into a normal New Brunswicker’s lifestyle.
To help them get started, we at The Manatee have compiled a list of the top 10 possible jobs for ousted members of Parliament to consider.
- Sell firewood: The fact is, winter is cold in Atlantic Canada, and people need firewood. If you’re struggling with life after politics, you’d be wise to head out into the forest with a chainsaw, cut a ton of wood, and sell it at the end of your parents’ driveway (we think it’s safe to assume you don’t have your own place) or out of the back of a pickup truck. You’ll probably make a lot more money than you would from the House of Commons “transition program.”
- Create a clothing line: Call it “MP Lifestyle” and say it was “inspired by” the popular East Coast Lifestyle line, to avoid any copyright claims. Promote your new brand on Instagram and become a social media influencer — it’ll be like having two jobs in one! We’re looking at you, Matt DeCourcey: imagine your own branded dress socks and boat shoes!? We would buy the shit out of those!
- Drive truck: For some reason Maritimers always refer to long-haul trucking as “driving truck.” Long, solitary hours on the road delivering laundry detergent for Giant Tiger might be just the ticket to help you forget about the big election loss.
- Start a microbrewery: So, you’ve lost a major popularity contest in your hometown. Why stew, when you can brew? There’s honestly nothing cooler than opening up a brewery. MP IPA, anyone? If starting from scratch in the brewing world is too daunting, you can always go work at Craft Coast Canning. Those guys actually make pretty good money.
- Join a pyramid scheme: Maritimers think multi-level marketing and entrepreneurship are the same thing. You could take advantage of that fact by guilting all your friends into buying Tupperware or Herbalife products they don’t want or need.
- Open a trendy barber shop: Barber shops are the new microbreweries: they take something that should be cheap and accessible, and make it expensive and annoyingly hipster. Learn how to do a “fade” because that’s the one haircut all guys have around here, and start making mad bank.
- Found a tech company: It doesn’t really matter what the startup “does” or “is.” Just make it kind of vague, come up with a neat techie name, rent a cool office space downtown, and hit up ACOA or ONB for that sweet, sweet startup cash.
- Join the military: Be honest — you’ve always had this option on the backburner in case of emergency. Now might be a good time to get serious about military service. The army is is a lot like politics: with both, you leave “civilian” life behind to blindly follow orders and exist surrounded by a bunch of guys all wearing and thinking the same thing.
- Get really into bodybuilding: When in doubt, work out. Start weightlifting, tanning, and greasing up your muscles for competitions. If you’re from northern New Brunswick and you just lost your riding to an up-and-comer, you can also get really into mixed martial arts. We’re not sure if any of this pays, but it’s definitely a good way to kill time and get your mind off politics.
- Do a PhD on some obscure topic and wait for the next election: Why not delve into the history of witchcraft in New Brunswick, or spend four years thinking and writing about the effects of dodgeball on anxiety in teens? Someone’s gotta do it, right? If all else fails, you could see if Ryerson is hiring — it worked for Brian Gallant and it can work for you!