Moncton — When Greg Heustis, 21, accidentally backed into a woman’s car with his truck and left a dent the size of a quarter, local eyewitness Ronda Doucette, 46, quickly stepped up to the plate.
“I saw the whole thing happen,” said Doucette, a true saint walking among us. “I was standing in the grocery store parking lot; I saw him back into the car and then pull away. I did see him write something down on a piece of paper and put it under the windshield wiper, but for all I know it could have been a swear word. Naturally, I called the police and gave them his licence plate number.”
Heustis, who has a part-time job as a checkout clerk, was leaving the Superstore in a near panic after hearing from his wife that their two-month-old daughter needed to be rushed to the hospital after running an unusually high fever. “Thankfully my baby girl is OK, but unfortunately the RCMP had no choice but to charge me with fleeing the scene of an accident despite the fact that I left all my contact information on the car I hit,” said a sobbing Heustis. “My licence has been suspended, and I don’t know if I’ll even be able to keep my job.”
Some other ways Doucette has contributed meaningfully to society? “Well — and stop me if I’m bragging, here — on more than one occasion I’ve called my bank, and when the call-centre agent responded to my laundry list of requests with an impatient tone, I’ve asked to speak to their manager and gotten them fired. Thanks to me, that’s another minimum wage job that’s open to someone more deserving!”
Doucette claims she once ordered lunch at Tim Hortons, only to find a hair in her chicken salad sandwich. “I immediately got in line in front of everyone else and loudly proclaimed ‘Excuse me! Am I supposed to eat your hair?’ Well, let me tell you, that employee, who I believe is a single mother of three, was let go right then and there. Can you imagine if I’d just removed the hair and shut up? She’d still be terrorizing other innocent customers.”
The Manatee asked the valiant do-gooder for more examples of her deeds. “Well, I always report Facebook statuses that offend me,” she said. “I don’t even wait to see whether the person was justified in their opinion — I just demand they take it down before I contact the authorities. That way, I never have to see any points of view that don’t align with my own.
“I guess I just have a passion for justice,” concluded the brave tattletale.