Saint John — There was excitement in New Brunwsick’s Port City today after it was announced that beloved television personality Martha Stewart would be partnering with a local Saint John bank to shield her unclaimed millions from the IRS.
Known for her lifestyle brand, book line as well her 2004 incarceration for insider stock trading, the 77-year-old announced that she would be partnering with a small, unregistered bank to house her vast wealth.
“Martha could not be more excited to make use of Canada’s poor oversight and incompetent revenue agency,” a representative for the star told The Manatee. “But, if you told anybody I said that, your face is going to have a date with the inside of a deep-fryer.”
Although Stewart intends to distance herself from the funds, she will spend a brief period in the province while signing documents later in March. While here, she is expected to see the sights, try some dulse and pick up a gram of Kush for her buddy Snoop Dogg.
David Thompson, the unscrupulous business owner now tasked with managing Stewart’s funds, told The Manatee that he is both shocked and impressed with the ease with which they were able to enact her four-step process for committing simple, yet elegant, tax fraud.
“Never have I seen dirty money look so clean!” he remarked.