Saint John — In a recent media release, Moonlight Bazaar representatives in Saint John, N.B. announced that Lord Voldemort will be their platinum-level sponsor for the event.
Following the release, a Manatee reporter asked an organizer about the somewhat questionable choice, considering Voldemort’s history of vanquishing anyone opposed to his expanding power in the region.
“We understand some folks might feel uncomfortable about our choice of sponsors, but our Lord has been a transformational force in the local economy,” explained the anonymous organizer.
Our next question concerned reports of former councillors’ disappearance after expressing regret about a recent land transfer enabling Voldemort to expand his territorial governance.
“Look, it’s nothing personal, it’s just business. They were great councillors, but they didn’t fall in line, and it’s time to move on. They’re in a better place, and we’re going to sell a lot of beer!”
Our reporter grilled the organizer on the press release, which detailed the festival’s plan to transform Canterbury Street into a 24-hour “vice zone” with booze and adult entertainment, in hopes of attracting larger crowds and harvesting more souls for the sponsor.
“Look,” they said, “we paid a lot for that vinyl moon. Shipping alone was almost 50 bucks! We’re running a business here, not some little block party for people to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.”
Moonlight Bazaar takes place in Saint John on Saturday, and promises to be a night of depravity and debauchery the likes of which the uptown has never seen.