Fredericton — It seems like every day another company closes in New Brunswick, and it’s not for lack of motivation — these places want to make a go of it, but are missing that little something extra.
“Money, obviously. They need more money. But otherwise, that something extra, we’ve discovered, is marijuana. Edibles, to be specific,” said Premier Blaine Higgs. “Any business that sells edibles turns a neat profit right away — I mean, just look at Cannabis NB! It tanked until it got those gummies and chocolates and all that shit, and now we have eight companies bidding to take over!
“In these difficult times, we need to look to a solution that can’t fail.”
UNB economics professor Jerry Dolton says edibles are a surefire way for New Brunswickers to gain financial independence.
“Whether you’re in real estate or retail or restaurants, manufacturing or marketing, you can bet edibles will be the main business driver within the next five years,” he explained, slicing a cannabis gummy into five equal portions on his desk, and offering a piece to our reporter.
“I’m in education, and while my salary is consistent, even I’m seeing the benefits of edibles. The school ups tuition a bit to cover a year’s supply, gives them to profs, I give them out in class, and my students actually show up and pay attention. Well, they’ve stopped asking questions during lectures, which I assume means they’re taking it all in.”
Restaurateur Belinda Boyd owns a small eatery in Moncton, and says her sales have doubled since she added cannabis chocolates to the dessert menu.
“People order a meal, get super baked on dessert, and forget they ate in the first place. I’m selling two, sometimes three entrées per person! And I can cut costs of ingredients since when people are high they really just want chips and crackers and pizza and other cheap-to-produce items. The only problem is that our wait staff are quite fed up with having to listen to the drugged-out customers’ stupid spiels about the meaning of life or their plans to start a Grateful Dead cover band.”
Even large retail chains in New Brunswick are offering edibles at the door for a small fee.
“At Walmart the greeters hand you one right when you walk in so you can ignore how shitty it is to be shopping there,” said Anna Paul, a northside Fredericton resident. “And then you don’t care as much when you’re scanning your items and it’s, like, $100 more than you expected.”
Travel agencies, a business fading into irrelevance because of the internet, have even managed to stay open because of edibles.
“I was planning to shut down — I couldn’t pay my rent in this crappy strip mall,” said Bathurst travel agent Harry LeBlanc, “but now I offer edibles with consultations, and people actually come in to book trips, just like in the ’80s!
“I learned my lesson about getting high on my own supply, though…I was totally baked with a customer and accidentally scheduled their whole vacation in Memramcook, New Brunswick instead of the tropical Cook Islands. And I booked myself on their trip too because I really felt like we bonded during the info sesh.
“Despite that, business is booming!”
Stay tuned in the next few months as The Manatee launches our subscription service where customers will receive a weekly hard copy of The Manatee news along with a snack pack of edibles.