Municipalities ask vandals to deface all election signs ‘for equality’

Municipalities ask vandals to deface all election signs ‘for equality’

St. Stephen — After a Liberal candidate’s election signs were vandalized in St. Stephen, municipalities around the Maritimes are asking vandals and wannabe graffiti artists to step up to the plate and deface all the signs.

“It’s not fair for vandals to target just women, or just minorities, or just Liberals with their hateful acts. If you want to vandalize signs, hit ’em all is what I say,” said St. Stephen Mayor Allan MacEachern. “No, my face isn’t on any signs, and yes, my appearance would make me a very tempting target, but that has nothing to do with it. I just want this for equality.”

Many local political candidates agree.

“We know people are going to spraypaint the signs — that’s just a given,” said Matt DeCourcey, Fredericton’s Liberal MP. “Instead of imploring people to stop doing this, or wasting resources attempting to catch the perps, we’re simply asking that you make the effort to ruin everyone’s signs. Even mine — hell, I have about a million up around the city. Do your worst!”

Saint John Mayor Don Darling says that if anyone defaces only certain election signs in his city, there will be hell to pay.

“I won’t stand for it. We won’t necessarily do anything right now, but I think in years to come we need to put together some kind of task force — people who patrol around at night in special cars, watching for crime, and arresting or fining those responsible for racist or sexist graffiti,” he said. “Hear me out…like, what if we got guys in uniforms, with guns, and they could try to actually stop crime?!

“I can’t believe I’m the first one to think of this…I guess that’s why I got elected!”

Elections Canada is on board with the all-or-nothing approach to election sign vandalism.

“We’re developing a pamphlet detailing ideas for graffiti artists to consider when hitting all the signs,” said communications rep Beverly Lowell. “How about drawing mustaches on women, or putting makeup on men? Wouldn’t that be silly?

“Or what if instead of drawing swastikas or punching people’s faces out, you write positive messages like ‘Stay in school’ or ‘Say no to drugs’? It’s still defacing the signs, but it’s not so…you know…negative.”

Local vandal Jeff Gorman said that the condonement of his work strips it of its value.

“It’s no fun when you’re allowed to do it,” he explained. “The excitement is all in the fear of getting caught. Screw it, at this rate I might as well just stop vandalizing signs and go get a job.”

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