Halifax — Hurricane Dorian hit Halifax hard a few weeks ago, causing widespread destruction and collapsing a crane onto a building under construction downtown.
To save money, instead of dismantling and removing the crane piece by piece, the province is “rebranding” the crane as art.
“Art can be manmade, or it can be created by Mother Nature herself, as is the case with the crane. It stirs questions about mortality, devastation, and the futility of humanity’s projects and plans,” mused Halifax Mayor Michael Savage. “Also, it would be expensive as a mo-fo to take it down, so I think we should just leave it.”
Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil said that, not being “an art fan,” he doesn’t see the big deal about the crane. “But I’m all about fiscal responsibility,” he explained. “I’ve crunched the numbers, and by my calculations the crane will bring in more money for this province than literally any plan I’ve ever come up with. Long live the crane!”
“It looks pretty cool if you ask me,” said Haligonian Shara Steeves. “People sure love taking pictures of it. It’s already our most famous piece of art in the entire city…except maybe for that Cornwallis statue that was removed in June. It makes me feel things that I haven’t felt since I was a child. Every time I walk by it, it reminds me that life is fleeting and one day I, too, will be toppled like that poor crane and that crumbling building.
“But anyway, is there a gift shop, or what? Where do I buy a T-shirt?”
Crews who would normally be tasked with removing the structure are instead being hired by the Province of Nova Scotia as tour guides for a new outdoor gallery.
“I’m not really a public-speaking kinda guy…that’s why I got into construction,” said Jack Versloot, who’s now an official guide leading tourists around the crane, explaining what happened during Dorian and what the artwork means to the city. “Couldn’t people just, you know, look at it and see what happened? It’s pretty self-explanatory. But hey — this cushy government job pays more than heavy labour and it’s way easier on my back, so I guess I’ll take it.”
At press time, a Harbour Hopper stopped and unloaded several tourists who then stood behind the red velvet rope that now surrounds the city block containing the crane.
“It’s so beautiful…and meaningful, very meaningful,” they murmured to each other, nodding in appreciation. “Makes the Mona Lisa look like shit.”