NB cities, towns to change official spellings to match common pronunciations

Fredicktin — In a pointless move that will ultimately help nobody, the provincial government has decided to begin forcing jurisdictions to change the spelling of their names to match the accepted pronunciations of those names.

“I think it’ll be of assistance to people who have a hard enough time with spelling without our weird place names throwing a wrench into things,” said Premier Blaine Higgs during a press conference at Fredicktin’s city hall. “So, for example, ‘Fredericton’ will now be spelled ‘Fredicktin’ and ‘Rusagonis’ will be ‘Rushagornish.’ ‘Geary’ will be renamed ‘Gary,’ and ‘Bathurst’ will be spelled ‘Bad-urst.'”

Critics say this is merely a distraction from the bigger issues plaguing New Brunswick, such as the French immersion start date, fracking, and whether to privatize the liquor industry.

“We all know that ‘Miramichi’ is just ‘The Chi’ to every New Brunswicker, and that ‘Durham Bridge’ is generally pronounced more like ‘Derm Bridge’ by people around here. What’s the point of making municipalities shoulder the cost of changing tourism materials, or of forcing the Department of Transportation to update every sign?” asked Ariel Matthews of “The John,” formerly “Saint John.”

“I’m a politician — it’s not my job to do things that make sense,” countered Higgs. “But one good reason I just thought of off the top of my head is that when people from out-of-province visit, they’ll understand where they are. Like if they’re hanging out in what was Barker’s Point and someone tells them they’re in Hammer Town, they won’t think the locals are just crazy or that they got turned around.”

Higgs and a few members of his cabinet will be meeting in Monkey Town in the coming weeks to solidify the plan and strategize its implementation.