Fredericton — In response to the proliferation of “dog-friendly” public spaces in the province, certain brewery taprooms are only allowing dogs to enter if they’re paying for a beer.
“Well, I mean obviously the dog isn’t paying — although that’d be cute — but the owner has to buy at least one beer per dog they want to bring into my taproom,” said manager David Armstrong, who runs a craft brewery taproom in Fredericton.
“These mutts take up valuable real estate where more customers could be standing. Not only is it unsanitary, but it’s costing us a fortune in lost profits. So now if you want to come in with your three Great Danes, you better be buying them each an IPA. Or a lager if that’s what they prefer. Otherwise, tie them up outside next to the smokers.”
Dog owners, who are notoriously insane when it comes to their pets, are of course angry about the canine crackdown, which they’re calling “unfair” and somehow “racist.”
“I don’t know why anyone’s complaining. For one, I love it when I’m ordering a beer and someone’s Golden Retriever is sniffing my crotch,” said deluded dog owner Hal Oakley. “And when dog hair is floating in the air and lands on the surface of my drink? That just adds character and flavour to the craft beer. What kind of snob wouldn’t want that??
“And where cost is concerned, I don’t think these bar owners could really be losing money — think of the value added to the atmosphere when everyone’s dogs are allowed! It just makes it a more fun, chill vibe where people want to hang out.”
People who prefer to frequent establishments with rules about keeping animals out are relieved.
“Thank god someone spoke up about this! It’s getting out of hand,” said Ella DeMerchant. “I want to sit and eat a bag of chips and have some drinks without smelling wet dog and watching them sniffing each other’s butts. So freakin’ nasty!”