NB expands ‘weed lock-up law’ to include booze, tobacco, porn, energy drinks, fireworks, gasoline, aerosol Cool Whip, slingshots, scissors, marbles, frozen peas

NB expands ‘weed lock-up law’ to include booze, tobacco, porn, energy drinks, fireworks, gasoline, aerosol Cool Whip, slingshots, scissors, marbles, frozen peas

Fredericton — For the first time in New Brunswick’s history, recent actions of the provincial Liberal government have garnered the attention of the nation.

From Atcon to the property tax scandal, the Liberals have proven over and over to New Brunswickers that they are incompetent, but their latest plan to force legalized marijuana to be kept under lock and key marks the first time that the rest of Canada has taken notice of this incompetence.

The Liberals are doubling down on this new controversial legislation and sticking to their guns (which is a figure of speech, of course, as their actual guns are locked up with their weed). Minister of Justice and Public Safety Denis Landry made the announcement in Fredericton on Friday that not only will the province stay the course with this new legislation, but expand on it.

“Across the country people were saying, ‘You don’t have to lock up alcohol or tobacco, so why marijuana?’ And that got us to thinking that maybe we should be protecting the youth in New Brunswick even more.

“Let’s face it,” Landry continued, “the world is a dangerous place. Parents don’t have common sense that politicians do. If we don’t protect the youth from these dangers, they may never be able to grow up healthy enough to someday leave New Brunswick.”

The sweeping changes will force New Brunswickers to lock up any and all materials that could be seen as harmful to youth, whether children are in the household or not. According to the draft legislation, basically the only things that don’t need to be kept under lock and key are love, affection, organically grown food, glyphosate and Liberal campaign materials.

The Manatee attempted to contact Premier Brian Gallant for comment. We failed to reach him, but left a voice message. A short time later, his mother returned our call explaining that she routinely locks up Brian’s electronics during family time. She went on to say that in the Gallant household, every form of danger was safeguarded from a very early age.

“We couldn’t have our gifted and very handsome future premier son choking on a pea or doing whip-its,” she explained. “People would think he was stupid or something.”

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