Fredericton — Old Man Higgs, sometimes known to New Brunswickers as Opposition Leader Blaine Higgs, says that being old is clearly much better than being young, and that the current Liberal government should respect its elders instead of trying to change anything with their newfangled ideas.
The Manatee easily caught up with the ancient Progressive Conservative as he was shuffling out of the legislature after a question period exchange where he called Premier Brian Gallant, who turned 35 in April, a “snot-nosed ankle-biter.”
“That Gallant always gives me sass in question period,” said Higgs, as he rummaged in his pockets for a butterscotch candy for our reporter. He pulled out a greyish-yellow object covered in pieces of Kleenex and offered it to us. We declined.
“He actually believes his youth is to his advantage,” the senior citizen went on. “I have handkerchiefs older than that juvenile delinquent! And if we’re being frank, I think those hankies would be more fit to run the province.”
We asked Higgs to explain what, specifically, makes being old so great. He appeared not to hear us, put his hand to his ear and said, “Heh?! You’re gonna have to speak up.” When we repeated the question, he looked annoyed and began rambling off a list of pros.
“Being advanced in years means you can pretend not to hear anyone who says something you don’t like, for one. And being old means you get the senior’s discount every time you sit down for supper at the Diplomat at 4:30. And I’m an early riser — I get up by 5 a.m. every single day, when Gallant’s probably still getting his beauty rest!
“And if I become premier in 2018, I can finally cater to the needs of everyday people — people who watch Murder She Wrote and compose handwritten letters to the Gleaner editor about the sorry state of local sidewalks. These are the constituents who matter. Not these young people with their cellphones and skinny jeans.”
Old Man Higgs said his decades of employment make him the perfect candidate for premier.
“I was working for the Irvings, day in and day out, like a REAL New Brunswicker, before that Gallant hooligan was so much as a twinkle in his mother’s eye. S-shouldn’t that count for something!?” Higgs stammered, his jowls shaking with fury. “I don’t waste time taking selfies unlike some people…I know the value of a hard day’s work!
“Now get out of my way — I’m late for my afternoon nap.”