Kedgwick — A man from Kedgwick, N.B. was found guilty on Saturday of fraud and trafficking stolen goods relating to a maple syrup heist in Quebec. The judge sentenced Alain Bernard to life using Aunt Jemima Original Syrup rather than real Canadian maple syrup to top his pancakes and waffles.
Bernard and 3 other men were accused of stealing 9,500 barrels of pure maple syrup from the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers valued close to $19 million. Much of the stolen syrup had been replaced by water.
“Let the punishment fit the crime,” said the judge. “Bernard and his friends think it’s OK to replace delicious maple syrup with water? Wait till he tries replacing real syrup with that disgusting corn-syrup for the rest of his life. This should serve an example to all other would-be maple syrup thieves out there — consider yourselves warned.”
Bernard wept as the sentence was handed down. When he at last regained his composure, he asked the judge a question. “Your Honour, I accept your verdict, but I’m just wondering… can I, you know, switch to Aunt Jemima Butter Syrup, or the ‘Lite’ kind if I get tired of the original recipe? I need variety in my life.”
The judge laughed. “Those variations taste even more synthetic,” he said. “My wife bought that ‘butter’ garbage once and I couldn’t even choke it down with her super-dry pancakes. We threw out the whole bottle. If you want to ingest that crap, be my guest.”
Law enforcement officials will be monitoring Bernard constantly to ensure he never consumes so much as a single maple syrup candy for the rest of his days.
Bernard’s lawyer, Michelle Gaudette, addressed reporters waiting outside the court house.
“This is a cruel and inhumane punishment that violates the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms; Alain’s family can rest assured that we will fight this to our last breath,” she proclaimed.
“We’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to. In the meantime, we have lobbyists working to change the laws regarding what qualifies as ‘syrup’ from 0.01% real maple syrup to 0.1%.”