Millions of Americans decide not to move to Atlantic Canada

Millions of Americans decide not to move to Atlantic Canada

New York — The true north strong and free may be our home and native land, but Americans who vowed to move to Canada if Trump won aren’t feeling the true patriot love yet.

Activity along the eastern United States-Canada border has been remarkably quiet to date. It seems as though millions of sheepish citizens are thinking twice about leaving their homes, and hesitating to embark on the massive migration to the north.

“Umm, yeah… about that,” mumbled 23-year-old New Yorker Olivia Stanton, “I’m looking into it, but I haven’t given notice at my job or to my landlord or anything yet. I have to find a job up there and I’d like to meet some people there first. I’ve never actually been to Canada, so I don’t know anything about it to be honest.”

“Oh I was super-serious at the time,” said 34-year-old Adam Rosenberg. “But, like serious in the same way I am when I say, ‘I’m going to die if I don’t eat something right now!’ I thought that people would understand that I was exaggerating. I’ve got to help my mom and dad move furniture this weekend, and my niece has a thing next week, and I’m about to get a big promotion at work. Sooooo… I think I’ll give Trump a chance… I guess.”

Counting herself among the entitled to live in a Trump-free land, 19-year-old Brittany Miller was not amused when she was turned back at the northern border. “I packed up my car in a fit of rage, and sped off to the nearest border crossing. When I told Canada I was coming in, they kind of laughed at me and said it didn’t work that way. And, they had a huge problem with all of the guns in my vehicle too. Whatever — most of them weren’t even loaded!”

For now, the pro- and anti-Trump cohorts have an unspoken agreement to stay out of each other’s way for a while, and they will “see how things go.”

Cab driver Arnie Ricci sums it up this way: “Look, Trump supporters can stay in those states for now, and we’ll stay up here in our states. Best case scenario, we can ignore each other like roommates that hate each other for a few years.

“Besides, why would I move to Canada when I already live in the greatest country in the world? It’s so cold. And those taxes? Fuhgeddaboudit.”

Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.