New Brunswick hoping to top Yarmouth’s 3.6 earthquake next year

Fredericton — Yesterday afternoon at around 3:33 p.m., Yarmouth, N.S. was successful in inducing a 3.6 magnitude earthquake to kick off their Canada Day celebrations — slightly higher than the 3.2 earthquake that took place in New Brunswick earlier this year. “We’ll get ‘em next year,” said Premier Brian Gallant.

“There has always been a little bit of friendly competition between us and Nova Scotia,” said Gallant at Fredericton’s Canada Day celebrations. “I think this a very healthy relationship, and inspires both provinces to be the best that we can be.”

Screen Shot 2015-07-02 at 8.48.10 AMOf all of the the inter-provincial competitions, the “Canada Day Earthquakathon” has become something of a personal project for Natural Resources Minister Denis Landry, who took on the event back in January. He had planned to remain competitive with Nova Scotia by funding a machine that would, in theory, induce a 5.0 magnitude earthquake in the province.

“Listen,” he said, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t impressed. Considering that it was their first one, a 3.6 is nothing to be ashamed of. But next year, we’re really hoping to shake things up here in New Brunswick — maybe even shoot for a 10!”

Unfortunately, despite a great deal of anticipation, New Brunswick’s Canada Day earthquake was a no-go this year, thanks to some malfunctioning equipment at the province’s capital, a problem that Landry promises “will not happen again.”

“I think that despite our good intentions, the technology simply isn’t ready for an earthquake-inducing machine. It’s just not a viable option right now. Consequently, we have decided to take a more natural approach next year — one that will make better use of the great community that we have here in the province.”

Landry explained that he plans to organize for the entire population of New Brunswick to gather on one side of the province for the 2016 Canada Day celebrations. Then, at exactly 12 p.m., everyone will simultaneously jump up and down on the ground, which will hopefully cause a shift to the fault plane, that would in turn lead to an major earthquake.

“I think that this goal is entirely realistic, and not at all crazy, as some of the less-patriotic among us have speculated,” said Landry, holding up a signed confirmation of his plan’s sanity from the office of premier. “See?”

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