Moncton — In a last-ditch effort to lure youth home, the Government of New Brunswick is funding the construction of a grotesquely massive statue just outside the Greater Moncton International Airport. The statue, to be created by first-year NBCCD students as part of a forced group project, will depict a New Brunswick mother with a can of Alpine in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a you’d-better-get-yer-arse-back-here-right-now-or-there’ll-be-hell-to-pay look on her face.
“The idea is that it should be a familiar sight to our young people,” said Premier Brian Gallant at a press conference this morning, pointing to a rough mockup he’d done with crayon on construction paper. “But it should also be a threatening sight — just looking at my blueprint here sends a shiver down my spine.”
Moncton Mayor George LeBlanc elaborated on the thought process behind the statue. “When young people come to the airport to board a flight headed out West, they’re going to see the statue, and think, ‘Shit, I can’t leave my mom just so I can try to make enough money to survive and have some sort of future.’ They’ll be torn, at least, and that should keep some of them here.”
A number of Monctonians are expressing distaste at even the concept of such a monstrous erection. “What an eyesore,” said 57-year-old Tim Hortons patron Martie Hayes while sipping an OREO Iced Capp. “If anything it’ll scare young people away, not make ’em stay. What’s the government thinking??”
“We’re thinking we’ll only spend maybe, like, $150,000 on the statue,” Premier Gallant told this Manatee reporter. “It was either this or another strip club on Mountain Road, but this is a lot more wholesome, I think. And there’s a good chance Alpine will foot the bill for construction. I haven’t asked them yet, so keep that on the down-low, but yeah, they’re usually cool with whatever.”
The Manatee was unable to find any young people in Moncton to interview about the statue, but we’re pretty sure that once it’s built, they’ll come back to get a look at it.