New Brunswick — Although Jean-Francois Burbridge was only excavated from the Northern New Brunswick permafrost a few hours ago, the Higgs government has just made it that much easier for him to decide to remain in the province instead of seeking work in what he calls “the unsettled west.”
“When I was last a working man, five cents was a kingly wage for a day’s work, to say nothing of an hour,” says the newly unearthed lumberjack. “It confounds me that the good people of this province are not rejoicing in the streets at this news!”
Burbridge had much to say in the interview once he stopped pointing at our reporter’s phone and screaming that it “must be devil’s magic!”, but he kept returning to the absolute awe and joy he felt at the generosity of New Brunswick’s premier.
“Well, you know, I just found out that everyone I ever loved or cared about is dead, but that is all washed away by the knowledge that my descendents are able to live in luxury thanks to this incredible boost to their earning power,” added Burbridge, unaware that he was the last of his line, has no living relatives, and has likely been rendered infertile by the permafreezing process.
This reporter isn’t sure how Burbridge will adapt to the modern world in the coming days. After all, even the existence of Canada as a country is going to be news to him.
However, watching him dig the soil of his home province out of his various orifices, this reporter couldn’t help but think that, despite the years between when he first fell into that pond trying to catch a chicken for dinner and was flash-frozen in the harsh Tracadie winter, he was going to be okay, because the Government of New Brunswick was going to allow him to earn almost a hundred extra dollars a year.
“I have my health. I have my home. And I have my trade,” smiled Burbridge.
And even though he likely had a host of 1855-type diseases and would die within months, that his home had been bulldozed decades ago to make room for a strip mall with three vape shops, and that his lumber-cutting skills were hopelessly outdated, this reporter still knew that Burbridge would be okay because on each and every paycheque, he would see an extra dollar.