Zealand — Local man Arnie Nelson, 54, says he’s pretty sure he has a bitcoin lying around in his house, just going to waste.
“I know I have one at the very least, maybe more,” he said, scratching his head with one hand and plunging the other between the couch cushions, rifling around for his lost coins. “I remember cleaning out my change wallet back in ’85 and I coulda sworn a few of those things fell out. The question is not if, but where.”
Nelson became eager to find his bitcoins after seeing on the news that the valuation of the cryptocurrency has been soaring.
“They showed a picture of it and that sorta jogged my memory. Anyway, right now I work at that dump of a post office in Burtts Corner but if I find my money I’ll finally tell those suckers where to go — I’ll retire on the spot.”
Nelson’s wife Mary-Beth claims her husband promised her a life of luxury when they got married in their 20s, but he has yet to deliver.
“He just loafs around the house when he’s not sitting on his arse at the post office, yapping to customers about god knows what,” she complained, scowling at her ineffectual spouse. “If he says he’s got some of them buttcoins kicking around, I’m all for finding them and cashing in. Maybe he can take me on a trip down south for once instead of saying resorts are just out to rip you off.”
Nelson, entirely unaware that the currency is virtual and has no physical backing, continued to scour his home Thursday morning as our reporter watched. He asked us to leave so that he could devote his entire day to the search. We obliged, but only because his house smelled like cat piss and stale Alpine.