Halifax — At an impromptu press conference held earlier this week at parade square, Halifax City Council claims to have solved two of the biggest issues ever faced by Haligonians: 1) how to build an expensive stadium that the city really, really wants; and 2) what to do with all of film plastic that China really, really doesn’t want.
“Personally, I think we fucking nailed this one,” said Coun. Tony Mancini. “The whole thing actually started during a previous meeting where we were discussing whether or not plastic bags should be banned. We were really goin’ at it because, let’s face it, debating pointless shit like plastic bags is what gets us councillors out of bed in the morning.”
Mancini’s gaze shifted toward the sky and a light much like when the Grinch discovers the true meaning of Christmas filled his eyes. “Seriously…the more trivial the better. I’d spend days talking about what shade of paint we should get in the council chamber if they’d let me, but I digress.”
Mancini faced the media scrum once again and emphatically said, “So, just as we were about to really throw down, Stone Cold Sammy Austin piped up and said what if we use all that film plastic to build that CFL stadium that everyone wants?” Mancini then paused for longer than necessary as the group of reporters stared at him with wide eyes, then he suddenly burst out laughing. “That’s the same look we all had! Freakin’ Stone Cold’s never had a good idea in his entire life and then he comes up with this shit…it was like that Viking’s catch on Sunday…goddamn incredible!”
Mancini went on to explain that HRM would simply borrow a giant 3D printer from somewhere (the logistics have yet to be determined), upload the plans for the new stadium and then start turning all of that awful film plastic into the coolest place in the city since the Argyle Street facelift was completed.
When asked by The Manatee about where council landed on the whole plastic bag thing Mancini respond that they actually passed a last-minute motion requiring all grocery stores in HRM to double bag everything.
“Even if you buy a single cotton ball it’ll be mandatory to have that placed in two plastic bags. We’ve got big plans for this stadium and we want to make sure that we don’t come up short. As Nova Scotia’s beloved Ricky would say, it’s time to get two birds stoned at once.”