New Brunswick to ban apples in hopes of retaining, attracting doctors

New Brunswick to ban apples in hopes of retaining, attracting doctors

New Brunswick — The healthcare system has been facing a great deal of stress over the past few months. The province has been attempting to combat these issues by closing clinics, stopping services to certain areas and having the top medical officers play a round of professional musical chairs. 

The government seems confident, however, that its latest effort will finally help to attract doctors.

“Starting in August, apple trees will be considered an invasive species in this province,” Premier Blaine Higgs told a group of reporters on Monday. 

In an apparent reference to the common phrase “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” the province is attempting to reverse the concept.

The premier announced that there would be an official embargo on the import of apples into the province starting next month. He added that municipal police would be dispatched to remove apple trees from orchards ahead of this year’s harvesting season. 

These are among the first steps that will be taken this summer from the province’s new ADAM initiative (Attract Doctors by Apple Mitigation).

“Cute,” commented a reporter from the Telegraph-Journal. “Like ‘Adam and Eve.’”

“I don’t listen to contemporary music,” Higgs replied, with a dismissive wave.

Just then, a UNB professor stood up to voice her opposition to the plan, stating that summarily removing apples from our ecosystem is likely to have adverse effects on the population’s health and wellbeing.

“Listen,” said the premier, visibly annoyed. “For the last time, I don’t know how any of that stuff works. Yet another reason why we need more, uh, science…people.”

“Doctors,” said an aide.

“Right,” said Higgs. “Doctors.” 

  1. Now let’s get to the bottom of safety in the workplace. I think I have a speaker from American Metal who has some strong opinions on delegating responsibility to higher beings as an effective way to address the issue.


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