Newfoundland — The provincial economy in Newfoundland is in crisis after a relatively small stretch of land was was discovered earlier this month just outside of Emily Harbour.
The land, while still technically Canadian, was not included in the confederation of the province. Consequently, it will officially be registered as its own distinct region. Premier Dwight Ball said that the discovery is an almost “fatal blow” to Newfoundland’s tourism industry.
“Our only real draw was that our land was so recently found,” he said. “Now, I don’t know what we’ve got to offer… Newfie jokes?”
These problems are only expected to get worse after the province is forced to change its name before the end of this year, under the Canadian Code of Advertising Standards, first published in 1963.
This discovery and the resulting fallout had so embarrassed the region of Labrador, that its government says that they have made the formal decision to officially disassociate themselves with Newfoundland, and incorporate with Nova Scotia instead.
“We’re very proud of our Nova Scotian heritage,” said newly appointed minister of Labrador Denis Kitchen in a press conference this morning. “We’ve been an integral part of Nova Scotia for more than 500 years, and anyone who tells you different is a goddamn liar.”
It remains unclear what will come of the new land. It is very likely that it will inherit Newfoundland’s former name, but that is at the discretion of the land’s sole resident, Ethan Noseworthy, who says he’s lived there since “he don’t know when.”
When The Manatee went to speak with Noseworthy, he was somewhat intoxicated and clearly annoyed with all of the recent media attention surrounding his land.
“B’y the Jesus, you little friggers don’t let up, do yah?” he spat belligerently. “Yah damn near got me drove!”