Petition prompts Sobeys to let lobsters roam free in store

Petition prompts Sobeys to let lobsters roam free in store

Fredericton — If you want something done, do it yourself, the saying goes. Or, failing that, launch a petition.

A capital city woman did just that — calling for lobster tanks to be removed from grocery chains — after seeing what she deemed too many of the crustaceans in the glass tanks at Sobeys.

The petition gathered steam fast, and the grocery retailer decided to take action before it became a big friggin’ scandal with protesters and boycotts and all that junk.

The Manatee hit the local Sobeys to get the scoop.

“You have to nip these things in the bud,” said Fredericton store manager Drew Peterson. “So rather than respond with logic — because, really, when does that ever work — we’ve decided to let all the lobsters roam free in the store, without even the elastics on their claws. Customers can pick them up and place them in their carts or baskets at their own risk.

“Hopefully they don’t destroy the produce or cut open the cereal boxes or just stink up the joint,” he added, shaking his head and sighing.

“This is a great thing Sobeys is doing,” said shopper Darla Ferguson, who was perusing the soup aisle. “These creatures shouldn’t be crammed in tanks, walking all over each other. They should be wandering the aisles, letting us walk all over them.”

A loud cracking sound suddenly emerged from below Ferguson’s shoe.

“Oops…Darn it.”

Some Sobeys shoppers are less understanding, citing a host of problems with letting the animals go free.

“I’m allergic to shellfish!” cried Aaron Smith. “What, am I gonna have to start shopping at Superstore? I’m a Compliments man, not one of those cheap President’s Choice chumps!”

Sixteen-year-old seafood department employee Kenny Hoyt said he doesn’t get what the big deal is.

“I don’t get what the big deal is. Don’t lobsters like crawling around in their little glass tank, feeling each other up with their antennae or whatever they do? I’d totally like that…if I was a lobster I mean.”

Hoyt had a laser-pointer in his apron that he fumbled with as we spoke with him. He began shining the red light into a nearby lobster’s eyes for several seconds at a time.

“Chill out, I just wanna see what he’ll do,” said Hoyt, seeing our concerned glances. “Next thing ya know this‘ll be considered cruel.”

  1. I love satire, but this article is deliberately misrepresenting the intention of this woman’s petition in order to garner clicks. That might be acceptable if we weren’t talking about sentient beings that have the capacity to enjoy their lives.

    Since we don’t need to eat animals to be healthy, do you think it is morally justifiable to keep killing them anyway?

    • By definition, lobsters are not sentient. Nor do they possess a central nervous system.

    • Yes! Number 1 its good for the ecosystem. Number 2 our bodies need protein. while yes we can technically get protein from plants, you get added benefits from eating meat.

      P.S. A value system is like a penis, great if you have one but for love of humanity please don’t go around trying to shove it down everyone’s throat.

  2. Yes because they are tasty with butter. Mmmmm lobsters

  3. Allowing the Lobsters free range in the store is cruelty. They will be stepped on and will become dehydrated. They will not be happy free ranging.

  4. I’ve heard it all now! So are those same people going to go to every lobster pound and fisherman to stop them from keeping the lobsters in crates? Really! Like the saying goes, you can’t fix stupid!


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