Pointe-du-Chêne — The provincial government has asked The Manatee to release a public service announcement explaining that swimming at Parlee Beach is, contrary to recent news, healthy and safe for you and your family.
“Your government is committed to the well-being of New Brunswickers,” said Environment and Local Government Minister Serge Rousselle. “Also, we were getting a lot of flak for the abysmally low water quality at this provincial park beach, so to appease our residents — and because it’s the right thing to do — we’ve done further testing and have discovered that swimming in fecal matter is totally fine. I asked Victor Boudreau and he agreed with these new results.
“It might even be better than non-contaminated water, in fact.”
GNB would like the public to know the following brand-new facts about what swimming in fecal matter can do for you.
- Swimming in water with high levels of fecal matter is natural. Think of it as organic, not dirty. People pay a lot of money for organic things — it’s like the Whole Foods of swimming areas.
- It’s good for your skin. You know how when you go to the spa, you often get a mud mask? Water that has a lot of fecal matter in it can clear up acne, reduce your pores, and give you a healthy glow.
- If you put water from the ocean at Parlee on your garden, it’ll grow better than ever before. Fertilizer is mostly shit, right?
- It’s good for weight loss. This one is mainly true because you’ll probably contract a tapeworm, but regardless, you’ll lose unwanted pounds and look great. Other causes of weight loss could include excessive vomiting and diarrhea.
- If you’re swimming this summer and nature calls, you can just go right in the water! You won’t have to wait in any long bathroom lines, and it’s healthier not to hold it, according to science.
- If you get sick from swimming at Parlee, you’ll be able to take a day or two off work, which means you’ll return to the office rejuvenated and de-stressed. You’ll be more productive than ever!
Rousselle expects tourism at Parlee Beach to increase drastically this summer due to a more educated public. He did say, however, that he personally won’t be visiting the beach. “I’ve never been much of a health nut, really. And I can just crap in my pool and get the same benefits.”