Report: Everyone sick of Dennis Oland trial

Report: Everyone sick of Dennis Oland trial

Saint John — The world’s most tedious trial is almost back on, and no one gives a solitary flying f*$k about it.

“Even if he did do it, I don’t care,” said Saint John resident Ariel Monteith. “If he did, it’s probably because his dad was an asshole to him and he snapped. He’s not a danger to society, so just let him go already.

“Let’s move on.”

Jury selection for the retrial has proven difficult, to say the least. Only five jurors have been selected so far, and everyone — everyone — is crossing their fingers in hopes that they don’t get called in for this boring, pointless display of our justice system at work.

“It’s been impossible to get the jury together because no one gives a shit anymore if he did or didn’t do it. No one wants to take time off work for that,” said CBC reporter Jake Armstrong. “This started like three years ago. That’s so friggin’ long to decide the fate of this guy whose guilt or innocence is basically irrelevant to everybody. If I get assigned to cover this trial for another day I’m the one who’s gonna snap.”

“This probably isn’t very PC to say, but I’m saying it anyway: I’m sick of the Dennis Oland trial,” admitted retired mill worker Harold Smith, while reading the Telegraph-Journal at the King Street Tim Hortons. “I’m tired of seeing those pictures of him in the news, I’m tired of worrying if I’ll be summoned to serve on the jury, and I’m tired of New Brunswickers acting like this guy is a menace to society.

“Ha — more like a ‘Dennis’ to society!” he said, chortling, a bit of coffee dribbling down his chin. “That was pretty funny, if I do say so myself. Feel free to use that for your story.”

The trial for 50-year-old Oland resumes sometime soon, unfortunately. God.

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