Report: New Brunswickers skeptical about existence of ‘ellipticals’

Report: New Brunswickers skeptical about existence of ‘ellipticals’

Saint John — In an online landscape full of fake news and media uncertainty, there is a new mystery concerning New Brunswick that is spreading around the Internet like a virus.

On Wednesday, Google Trends released a report of the most often misspelled words in Canada by province. While Nova Scotians wrecked “yacht,” “colour” confounded Ontarians, and British Columbians suffered due to “pneumonia,” the word that puzzled New Brunswickers most often is “elliptical.” Now, a followup report has been released saying that New Brunswick’s trouble with the “elliptical” is due to no one knowing what it is.

“No, sorry, I’ve never heard of an applipticle,” confessed Milledgeville resident Sandra Epeler. “Is that like a popsicle? Am I on the right track? It sure sounds like a frozen treat. I bet they are delicious, like one of those things that I can’t eat just one of.”

Another New Brunswicker — who asked to remain anonymous — was convinced he owned one. “My wife has one of those epiladys for her legs, but don’t ask me how it works. Sure, I might have used it before, but that’s really none of your business! My ‘manscaping’ activities are private, you perv!”

An elliptical is a stationary machine used to simulate stair climbing, walking, or running during voluntary physical exertion known as “exercise.” Most elliptical trainers require that the user get onto the equipment and move their upper and lower body in repetitive motions for the purpose of low-impact cardiovascular exercise.

“Ha!  That doesn’t sound like a real thing,” laughed uptown resident Alexis DuPres. “Can you imagine? Who would do that?”

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