Report: This all some Old Testament-level wrath of God

Report: This all some Old Testament-level wrath of God

Fredericton — The waters have yet to turn to blood, and so far, no frogs have rained from the sky, but people are still beginning to think that 2020 has brought with it some Biblical “end of days.”

Australia was razed by fire, hundreds of billions of locusts are swarming through parts of East Africa and South Asia, a devastating plague has infected the entire world, and, most horrifically, the spring season brings with it the threat of yet another flood in New Brunswick.

Many experts argue that the most dangerous thing occurring presently is the crazed hysteria and panic of the masses, but regardless, nobody truly feels safe.

“I fear for my first-born,” Andrew Weir, a worried churchgoer, told The Manatee, referring to the 10th Plague of Egypt as described in the Book of Exodus. “I’ve already found lice in her hair, and my own back has been covered in boils for years!”

Many fear that the crises around the globe are merely a sign of things to come, and that things are going to get much worse before they get better.

“The world will not fall into darkness for three days,” medical specialist Daphne Heyworth said in a press release, “And the only way to protect your first-borns, second-borns, or any of your children for that matter, is to wash your hands regularly, make sure they do as well, and practise self-quarantining and social isolation as much as possible.

“And for God’s sake, please do not start smearing lamb’s blood above your doors. That will do nothing to help anyone.”

Said one Zealand man with a salacious grin on his face and a creepy wink, “You don’t gotta worry ‘bout me sacrificing my lambs; I love ‘em all too much.”

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