Albert County — Zoologists revealed today that New Brunswick’s bat population is not being snuffed out by a rogue fungus as previously believed. The rapid decline in some species of bats is actually due to pervasive and debilitating cocaine addictions.
Since 2011, reports of dead bats with white-noses have been reported widely throughout the province. While it was initially assumed that a fungal infection was responsible for waking the bats too early from winter hibernation, bat experts reported today that the bats are actually coked-out insomniacs looking for their next opportunity to get wired.
“These little flying rodents love to party,” said zoologist Dawn McMoosehead. “But, they are exhibiting all of the classic signs of cocaine addiction: insomnia, loss of interest in food, and poor judgement. The bats keep waking themselves up in the middle of the winter to do a bump, it’s seems like all that they can think about. They still need to hibernate during the winter months and that just doesn’t fit into their new tweaked lifestyle. ”
McMoosehead also dispelled other popular myths about bats in New Brunswick. “They actually have excellent eyesight, but they get so spun out on drugs that they just fly around excitedly and end up running into things. Those little coke-heads go bat-shit, if you’ll pardon the expression.
“That high-pitch screaming mostly isn’t echolocation, it’s basically those little shits asking each other who has some blow. Over and over and over again. It’s ridiculous, frankly.
“And, the whole hanging upside-down thing? That’s so they don’t get the ‘spins.'”