Robert Irving saves Moncton from itself by buying up ‘dangerous’ land

Robert Irving saves Moncton from itself by buying up ‘dangerous’ land

Irvingville — Over the past two years, Moncton city officials have planned to develop a prominent woodland landmass into 2,455 housing units expected to bring in millions in property tax and provide public parks to the community. 

Thankfully, this is likely no longer happening, as the ever-reliable Irving benevolence has swooped in to save the city from itself. 

The majority of the proposed land, located behind business tycoon Robert Irving’s stables, was purchased Irving’s Cavendish Farm Corp. It remains to be seen if the company plans to develop the land, but it is clear that it will make for a tremendous tax write-off.

“This is a really terrible landmass, really,” Irving told The Manatee, slightly raising his voice to be heard over the rushing creek and sound of birds chirping pleasantly in the distance. “The idea that this could have been a public park is quite frankly absurd.” 

Irving contends that the land, which spans roughly the size of Moncton’s downtown area, is far too dangerous for the general public.

“Oh yeah, just a quick jaunt through these would can prove treacherous,” he said. “That’s why I keep guards surrounding the perimeter at all times.”

He pointed to three armed men sitting in trees about the area, all brandishing sniper rifles aimed directly at the the reporter’s head.

What is it that makes Irving believe the land is uninhabitable?

“Well, the size of it, for one thing,” he said. “I bought so much land, someone could easily get lost in it. That could prove dangerous, certainly. Also, we cannot forget that the area is densely populated with Wildcats.”

He gestured toward towards a group of hockey players, who were lounging about lazily. One turned to wave disinterestedly before returning his attention to his Jughead comic book.

“I brought you here today to show you that this whole situation has been mischaracterized by the media. It wasn’t greed and selfishness that caused me to take this land from the city,” he said, giving an earnest look. “Instead, I truly believe that Moncton officials would not have used it to benefit me or my family, which would have been inexcusable.”

Then stopping, he raised three fingers in the air. The sounds of guns cocking could be heard from the bushes.

“Now get the fuck off of my property.”

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