St. Andrews by-the-Sea — The town of St. Andrews is taking major steps to protect its heritage with a proposed bylaw that would require all residents to take anti-growth hormones to preserve themselves as historical properties of the area. If the proposal is passed, the measure, which they are tentatively calling the “Neverland” initiative, is expected to begin as early as July.
Town councillor Leigh Schwartz has been a member of the local heritage board for more than 10 years, and is one of its most vocal supporters. She has garnered a great deal of media attention for her devotion to this controversial plan.
“Just look at the great old stuff we have around here,” said Schwartz, taking reporters on a tour of the town. “Like that building over there — how old is that one, Mark?”
“That was built in 2011.”
“OK, so maybe not that one, but there are a ton of historic properties here that really display our rich cultural heritage.”
Some critics say that forcing the entire population of St. Andrews to take anti-growth hormones is a major human rights violation — a claim which Schwartz dismisses with a wave of the hand — as well as being incredibly expensive and detrimental to their health.
“Oh no, it’s safe,” assured Schwartz. “I haven’t had a period in 3 months — but I mean, good riddance, right? We checked with doctors and everything. It’s totally cool.”
“I would strongly discourage anyone from using synthetic human growth hormones to try and halt the aging process,” said impartial medical professional Franklin Teed.
Dr. Teed told The Manatee that he had refused a bribe from Schwartz a little over week ago (which consisted of a single 8”x10” envelope filled with blueberries) to endorse the ordinance. “It’s bad enough to do it to yourself, but to force it upon your citizens would be downright criminal.”
Despite it all, Schwartz believes they are only doing what is best for the town. She says she feels quite strongly that what keeps people coming back to St. Andrews year after year is the fact that it never changes. Ever.
“If you asked me where I see St. Andrews in 10 years,” she said, dropping a massive stone onto a 2016 Bayliner motoryacht docked at the harbour, “I’d say: in the exact same place it was 10 years ago.”