Halifax — Since 1988, white, straight, cisgendered males in Halifax have been excluded by a group determined to create and foster a community that serves their own particular needs. After 28 years of attempting to infiltrate the group (without having to do anything gay or anything), a decisive blow was struck at the Halifax Pride Annual General Meeting on the evening of Oct. 5.
The men gained entrance by promising that they were “allies,” a term that is not explicitly mentioned in the acronym LGBTQ+, but which has in the past granted them access to some parties and even, when coupled with stubborn persistence, entrance to Reflections Cabaret after the bouncer has repeatedly said that the club is full and politely asked them to leave.
Some of the allies stayed behind after the meeting and informed The Manatee of their plans for Halifax Pride in the future. Straight white dude Robert Craig volunteered as their spokes-ally.
“By 2017, we hope to get rid of the oppressive label LGBTQ+ and replace it with just the letter ‘A,'” he said. “I mean allies could mean everyone, right? If we’re allies of theirs then they’d naturally be allies of ours, making everyone just ‘allies,’ right?”
A chorus of cheers arose from behind Craig.
“And by 2018, with God’s help, we’ll scrap the march all together. [I] don’t know what we’ll do instead… maybe something easy [and] from home, like a Walking Dead marathon.”
The voices in the crowd then swelled to a crescendo, with the last two words of every sentence being repeated in a chant.
“And by 2019, all bathrooms will be just for men!” Craig roared. “We hate not being able to use the lady one, especially for number twos! Ours is dirty and gross sometimes!”
In the near future, the allies plan to attend meetings for Take Back the Night and win their rights to march in the front of the procession.