Sussex — The Sussex Police Force has confirmed that infamous super villain Dr. Terrible is still on the loose after being lost amid the festivities during the Atlantic Balloon Fiesta in Sussex, N.B. He had escaped after tying a local maiden to the CN railway.
“We heard her cries for help, and were instantly on the scene,” said Police Chief Steve Giles. “We were able to save the girl, but were too late to stop Dr. Terrible before he took off in his hot-air balloon carrying a huge sack of money from the city’s treasury department. In a matter of seconds, he was gone.”
Then, at around 8:30 p.m., there were some reports of a big, red, inflated shape crashing through the screen of the Town and Country Drive-In during an encore presentation of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, but few people noticed.
The police soon located the balloon, and they engaged Dr. Terrible in a high-speed chase along the Route 1 highway, but lost him once again as he flew into the cluster of balloons that had just been released from the fiesta in Sussex. His evil plan had come to fruition — and, although the police could not spot him, some officers swore that they could hear his manic laughter as it faded into the night.
Mesmer explained that under more normal circumstances, Dr. Terrible’s escape would have been easily prevented. “I guess you could say that thanks to the balloon festival,” said Mesmer with a wry smile, “Dr. Terrible was, unfortunately, able to make a Sussex-ful getaway.”
Dr. Terrible is identifiable by his top-hat, crooked nose and twisted mustache. He can often be seen cackling to himself while menacingly rubbing his hands together. If spotted, the Sussex Police ask that you call 911 immediately, and do not go after him yourself. We repeat, we do not need any courageous heroes to step up and take matters into their own hands. No benevolent, incredible superheroes for us, please. We’re all good here on our own… doing things by the book, following the restrictive rules set up by our antiquated legal system. Yup, we’re all being taken care of juuuuust fine with the regular ol’ Sussex Police Force, thank you very much.