Atlantic Canada — This morning Restaurant Brands International, which acquired Tim Hortons during Roll Up the Rim season 2014, announced that they will again be expanding their menu items available in-store and in the drive-thru. Soon, the food chain will be offering convenience items such as diapers, feminine products, condoms and energy drinks.
The Manatee was privileged enough to be invited to the grand opening of the brand’s newest American location, conveniently located next to the meeting spot for the Storm Area 51 group, who are planning to “find them aliens” later next month.
“We’re trying to take advantage of the momentum we’ve gained from our recent menu additions; our brand is changing as fast as the climate, and we need to do our best to keep up with the needs of our customers,” explained RBI publicist Becky Wittingdale at a press conference outside the new location.
“The addition of our Beyond Meat burgers, sausages and other random non-meat shit and the success that came with it demonstrates how progressive our company is becoming. It also proves that our target demographic is shifting away from retired veterans at the Oromocto mall, to a younger and ultra-liberal group of millennials.”
Starting next week, all North American locations will begin offering everyday necessities with your morning or afternoon coffee including contraceptives, Red Bull, deodorant, tampons and more. Tim Hortons wants its customers to feel confident that the sudden urge to have sex with a passenger or to purchase an “I SUPPORT LGBTQ+” headband can be satisfied immediately without having to make one more inconvenient stop.
“At RBI, we understand you’re extremely busy and don’t have time to make multiple stops on your way to your creative writing or yoga classes,” Wittingdale added as she wrapped up the press conference.
The Manatee attempted via text to reach Darrel — a retired veteran who used to frequent the Tim Hortons in the Oromocto mall — for a comment on the matter, but he still seems to be typing his response three days later.