Atlantic Canada — After several news outlets reported that allergy sufferers would endure worse symptoms because of climate change, we at The Manatee decided to put together a list of other ways climate change will impact your personal life in the years to come.
We figure it’s better to start preparing for the worst than to deny that climate change is real, like all the dummies in the CBC comments sections.
- Your wife/husband/partner will leave you: Because of the warming planet, you’ll be forced to wear less clothing, and your significant other will be so sick of seeing your pasty, doughy body that he or she will head for the hills.
- Your boss will refuse to give you a raise: No doubt your employer is building some kind of fallout shelter or bunker for when the apocalypse comes. You think they’re going to waste money paying the likes of you when they could add a nice potable water filtration system and more non-perishable foods to their stash?
- The price of Storm Chips will go up: With climate change comes more severe winters, and with a storm every couple of days, Covered Bridge won’t be able to keep their Storm Chips in stock. They’ll raise the price accordingly, so you might as well start budgeting for that now.
- Your dog will run away: Dogs can sense whether their masters are competent. Since you have no survival skills, your dog will run off and try to find a better owner, or fend for itself. Don’t take it as an insult — if you had a cat, it would probably high-tail it, too.
- You’ll develop a sixth sense: We don’t know whether it’s the extra carbon in the air or that “Becoming a Psychic Medium 101” class you took online, but when climate change takes hold, you’ll start to notice an eerie ability to speak to the dead or to understand how the carbon tax works. It’s both a blessing and a curse, so use your powers wisely.
- Your auto-insurance rates will soar: That’s just a given, no matter what happens with the climate. You still live in New Brunswick, after all.
- You’ll develop a weird attraction to Al Gore: Remember when you had a crush on JTT in middle school? Well, this is kind of like that, except your celebrity crush is now a 71-year-old former American vice-president who has a lot of sobering truths to impart about the warming planet.
- You’ll find yourself becoming more and more interested in the Green Party platform: You always thought David Coon was just some old pot-smoking hippie, but lately all the stuff about the environment that he’s been harping on about for years is starting to make a lot of sense. A little too much sense for your liking.
- Your power bill will go down: Hey, we had to include one piece of good news, right? NB Power’s rates aren’t based on logic or reason…or anything, really, so it’s distinctly possible that your monthly bill could decrease as our seasons become more extreme. Stranger things have happened, right?