Unvaccinated banned from grocery store ice cream aisles

Saint John — You scream, we scream, we all scream: “This is tyranny!”

In a move that is sparking outrage among anti-vaxxers, the New Brunswick government announced today that unvaccinated citizens will be partially banned in local grocery stores.

While no one will be denied entry to the store, vaccination status will need to be verified before shoppers can gain entry to the ice cream aisle.

“There’s no issue with anyone accessing the grocery stores as long as they stay six feet apart and wear a mask — just like it’s always been,” said Health Minister Dorothy Shephard. “However, we going to start requiring confirmation of vaccination status to buy ice cream. We are also looking at candy and other snack food, but for now it only applies to ice cream, frozen yogurt and frozen treats like ice cream sandwiches.”

When asked to justify the government restriction, Shephard pointed to the at-risk health of the unvaccinated. “Frankly, the last thing these people need is empty calories and extra sugar. If you’re skipping vaccinations during a pandemic, maybe you don’t have the best judgement in the world. We need to think about the risk to the health care system caused by their extreme beliefs.”

Unvaccinated New Brunswickers are predictably livid with the new restriction. “No ice cream? NO FRO YO? This is a dictatorship!” screamed anti-vaxxer Karen Baxter. “I don’t even eat ice cream because I’m severely lactose intolerant. But, now that the government says I shouldn’t have it I’ve never wanted it so badly!”

Fellow protestor Marco Danson agreed. “Christmas is the only time of year that Superstore has the Candy Cane Chocolate Fudge Crackle, and I will be missing it altogether?! Over my dead body!”

“Well, they are certainly headed in that direction,” responded Minister Shephard, licking a triple scoop cone. “We’re just trying to slow them down a bit and not take anyone else with them.”