Charlottetown — A Prince Edward Island woman is considering suing a local tattoo parlour over a piece of skin art she commissioned late last year. The 32-year-old office worker claims that the artist failed to give her a tattoo that would make her appear more interesting and, she says, even more distressing, she now appears to be more boring than ever.
“I wanted to show people that I am really an interesting person,” Unique MacDonald told The Manatee, with a hint of vocal fry in her voice.
“I feel like people are always judging me and thinking that I’m, like, boring and stuff, and it’s like, causing me massive anxiety. Then my friend Alyxyah showed me her tattoo of a giant tiger lily with an angry unicorn bursting out of the centre with blood coming out of its horn hole, and I knew I had to try to find something better.”
MacDonald said her mother named her Unique because she is so special, but that other people don’t seem to recognize her specialness. She decided to get a tattoo of the famous painting The Scream, by Edvard Munch, on her neck.
“I looked it up on Wikipedia and it said that the picture represented the artist’s existential anxiety or something, and I have anxiety, so I thought it would show people more about who I am and what my passions are.”
Sadly, it turns out that most people do not recognize the artwork, and think that it’s a picture of an alien yawning.
Coworker Jordyn Duffy said he was baffled when he saw the tattoo.
“When Unique showed up at work with that tattoo on her neck, I was like, what the f@#$?! Who gets a tattoo of an alien yawning, dude? I mean, even if it IS an alien, it’s yawning its head off! She tried to explain the tattoo to me, but honestly, she’s so boring I drifted off and lost track of what she was saying.”
The tattoo artist cannot be named because he was forced to go into hiding after accidentally conflating the letters “C” and “H” in a tattoo for a Hell’s Angel, resulting in a character that more closely resembled a “D”, and misspelling the word “wild,” thus changing the meaning of the tattoo from “I dig wild chicks” to “I dig wide dicks.”
“That was a bad mistake, man, I can’t deny it. But this business with the tattoo of The Scream? I can’t even tell you how many totally boring flatliners come in looking for a tattoo to make them seem more interesting. It’s ink, man, not magic.”