Atlantic Canada — International Women’s Day is March 8, and women everywhere are preparing for a tidal wave of false appreciation and generic platitudes from corporate social media accounts.
“It’s an obvious ploy to sell products and it’s a free marketing platform for businesses. I get that. But I can only hear I’m strong and independent and beautiful so many times before I vomit,” said local naysayer Sarah Jardine. “And if I see one more image of Rosie the Riveter along with a sales pitch for tampons I might punch a goddamn wall. Then we’ll see who’s ‘strong.'”
Corporations, though, know that they need to express gratitude for 50% of their clients and customers in a bigger, better way than their competitors.
A Manatee reporter managed to slip into a marketing meeting for a local ad agency, to hear their ideas for the big day.
“Okay, how about we say women are strong — I mean, of course — and then we brag about our team being half female?” offered one young female employee.
“No, no, that’s been done to death,” said her older male manager. “We need something that’ll seem more genuine, and set us apart. How about we write something like ‘Diversity is our strength’ and then say we couldn’t survive in the marketplace without the many valuable women we work with day to day?”
“Isn’t that basically what I just said?” countered his employee.
“What? No! Don’t talk back to me!” cried the boss. “That reminds me — we also need to say women have a voice and we always listen to the female perspective.”
According to sources, the board gave the older manager an award for his efforts, and told him he’s an “inspiration to women everywhere,” to which he replied, “I know.”
Our reporter later consulted Facebook to see what corporations have already posted for the holiday.
“We support women!” wrote a pet food supply company, with a stock photo of an ethnically diverse group of women.
“Women are powerful and dangerous — for that reason, we’re offering 2% off all feminine hygiene products on March 8!” a drugstore posted. “The future is female!”
Many women have decided to just stay off social media on March 8 to avoid the many pious, insincere blatherings of individuals and companies.
“I really don’t need a bunch of strangers to tell me how great I am just for being a woman,” said Jessica Peters. “I know I’m great. And it’s not because of my gender. So just eff off with your sales and deals and inspirational quotes.”